Questions People Ask
When Grief Does Not Follow the Stages
You may have heard that grief moves through five stages in order. If your grief looks nothing like that, nothing is wrong with you. Grief is far messier, and far more personal, than any list.
Where the Five Stages Came From
The familiar stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance came from the work of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who described them while working with people who were dying. Over time they became a shorthand for grief in general, and many people started treating them as a checklist.
The stages can be useful as names for feelings. But they were never meant to be a schedule that everyone moves through in order, and treating them that way can make people feel they are grieving wrong.
Grief Comes in Waves
For many people, grief is less like a staircase and more like the ocean. Some days are calm. Then a song, a smell, a date on the calendar or an empty seat at the table brings a wave you did not see coming. Over time the waves may come less often, but they can still be strong.
You might feel several things in one afternoon: sadness, anger, relief, guilt, numbness. Or you might feel very little at first and a great deal months later. All of that is part of grieving.
Losses Nobody Recognizes
Some losses get flowers and casseroles. Others barely get acknowledged: an estrangement, a friendship that ended, a pregnancy loss, a move away from everyone you know, a role that ended, a parent who is still alive but no longer the person they were. These losses can hurt just as much, and the lack of recognition can make them lonelier.
Grief is not a set of steps to complete. It is a relationship with a loss that changes over time.
When Grief and Depression Overlap
Grief and depression share symptoms like sadness, poor sleep and low energy. In grief, the pain tends to come in waves tied to the loss, and moments of connection or even laughter are still possible. When the heaviness becomes constant, colors everything, or keeps you from functioning for a long stretch, it is worth talking to someone.
If you are thinking about ending your life, please do not wait for an opening in a therapy schedule. Call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, free and available 24/7, or call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
How Counseling Can Help
In grief counseling with me, there is no timetable and no checklist. Some sessions might be about the person or the life you lost; others might be about getting through a holiday or a hard anniversary. We go at your pace, and nothing about how you grieve is wrong.
If faith is part of your life, it can be part of that work when you ask. My pages on grief counseling in Texas and when grief tests your faith explain more, and the first step is a free consultation through Work With Me.
Common Questions
- Is it normal to skip a stage, or go back and forth?
- Yes. Plenty of people never experience some stages at all, and many cycle through the same feelings again and again. Grief is not a test you pass by finishing the steps in order.
- Why does my grief feel worse months later?
- The first weeks are often busy with arrangements and support from others. When life gets quieter and people return to their routines, the loss can hit harder. Anniversaries and holidays can bring it back strongly, too.
- Is there a right amount of time to grieve?
- No. Grief does not run on a timetable, and comparing your timeline to anyone else's rarely helps. What matters more is whether you can carry the loss alongside the rest of your life, and whether you have support while you do.
- How do I know if I need grief counseling?
- If grief is making daily life very hard for a long stretch, if you feel stuck, or if you have no one to talk to about it, counseling can help. You do not need to wait until it feels unbearable.
- Can counseling help with grief that is not about a death?
- Yes. Losses like a divorce, a broken friendship, a move or a dream that did not happen can carry real grief, and they deserve the same care.
Grieve in Your Own Way
Start with a free consultation. You can tell me as much or as little about your loss as you want, and we will take it from there.